Throughout a friendship, you’re likely to experience some very complicated predicaments — one of them being if he or she decides to have an extramarital affair. This is a sticky wicket not only for your friend who may be fooling around, but for you as well.
It’s tough to know how to handle a situation like this, whether you know for a fact that she’s cheating or if you’ve only heard rumors. I’d love to tell you that you should simply bury your head in the sand and gently remove it when your friend’s affair is over, but it’s just not that easy.
So what exactly should you say or not say? Well, there are a number of answers to this question depending on a variety of factors. Here are a few scenarios and advice on what you should do.
Related: Proof That Cheating Isn’t Just a Guy Thing
Scenario #1: You’re Not Sure She’s Having an Affair
You’re on the fence about whether your friend is being unfaithful, but there’s major buzz that she’s spending way too much time with her neighbor, co-worker, friend’s husband, etc. What to do: Tell her that you don’t need to know if she’s having an affair or not but that there are rumors circulating. She can then decide how to handle both the rumors and her reputation.
Scenario #2: You’re Sworn to Secrecy about the Affair
What to Say to a Friend Who’s Having an AffairYour friend confides in you that she’s having an affair and swears you to secrecy. This is especially tricky because you and your husband happen to be very good friends with her and her husband, which puts you into a potentially duplicitous situation. What to do: You’re basically complicit in this affair if you act as if nothing is wrong when you all go out together, so pull the plug on the double dating while this ‘situation’ is going on. Yes, you can remain friends, but find a creative way to slow down on going out as couple friends.
Related: 3 Benefits of Having ‘Couple Friends’
Scenario #3: She Wants Your Opinion about ‘Next Steps’
Let’s say that your friend asks you if she should continue her affair, leave her husband or make some other major life change related to the affair. BEWARE; whatever you say can and may be used against you in the future. You might suggest that your friend leave her husband, and years later she blames you for encouraging her to leave a good man. What to do: If she asks you what to do, tell her to find a good therapist who will help her work through her feelings and discuss her options. That’s what a wise friend does.
Don’t cheer your friend on for her courage and bravery for choosing to have an affair. She doesn’t need a fan club, she needs help sorting things out. And don’t attempt to live vicariously through her, especially if you’ve been toying with the idea of straying yourself. Instead, get your own affairs in order if you’ve been having relationship troubles.
What to Say to a Friend Who’s Having an AffairNone of us are experts in matters of the heart, particularly when they result in emotional and physical entanglements outside a marriage. While you may not agree with your friend’s decision, don’t judge her. Remember that she’s only human, and when your need for connection and intimacy isn’t being met in a relationship, you can end up in a complicated situation.
Good luck with this. I hope that you and your friend can survive this slippery slope; just try not to slide down it together!
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