Nope, still like porn. I guess I’m just into porn. It’s hot, it’s easy, and it’s always available. I hope my girlfriend doesn’t get mad, because it really has nothing to do with how much she turns me on.
1. Ages 10–12:
Did I break it? !!!!!****&&&!!!!!!!! What just happened? Am I in heaven? Should I go to the hospital? Did I just leave the Matrix?
2. Age 13:
This is amazing. Why does anyone do anything else all day? Am I the first person to discover this? I feel like if everyone else knew about this, we wouldn’t have time to do things, like, I don’t know, create civilization.
3. Ages 14–15:
I can’t believe I convinced my parents to take the parental controls off the Internet for “school purposes.” Is it possible to ejaculate so much that you die?
4. Ages 16–18:
Time to be an adult about this. Tissues and hand cream. No more dry humping my mom’s nice towels and then sneaking a load of laundry while she’s running errands.
5. Ages 19–22:
We’ve never said it, but the only reason my roommate and I post our class schedules on the wall is so we know when it’s safe to masturbate. Wednesdays from 2:30 to 5 are the best part of my week. Because it’s impossible to masturbate to acoustic covers of Dave Matthews.
6. Age 23:
My own apartment = personal jerk-off dungeon. What does the sun look like? The last time I saw it was in some porn where they were having sex outside. No one is here to question my horniness.
7. Ages 24–25:
Oh my god, my new girlfriend is so pretty. Who needs porn? I will just fantasize about how pretty she is and how remarkable it is that she’s into me despite my being a hunched man monster.
8. Age 26:
Nope, still like porn. I guess I’m just into porn. It’s hot, it’s easy, and it’s always available. I hope my girlfriend doesn’t get mad, because it really has nothing to do with how much she turns me on.
9. Age 27:
We broke up. Return to full porn schedule. Oh shit, this porn star looks like my ex. I can’t get hard when I’m sad. Where are the porn stars who are not curvy blondes??!! Guess I’m going to have to get deep into the niche porn sites.
10. Ages 28–30:
I have mastered my masturbation schedule. Got my encrypted folder of the very specific porn I like and my 15 minutes every morning so I’m not horny at work and my good lotion in the secret drawer and I am an adult man who has control of his sexuality. *gets unexpected
1. Ages 10–12:
Did I break it? !!!!!****&&&!!!!!!!! What just happened? Am I in heaven? Should I go to the hospital? Did I just leave the Matrix?
2. Age 13:
This is amazing. Why does anyone do anything else all day? Am I the first person to discover this? I feel like if everyone else knew about this, we wouldn’t have time to do things, like, I don’t know, create civilization.
3. Ages 14–15:
I can’t believe I convinced my parents to take the parental controls off the Internet for “school purposes.” Is it possible to ejaculate so much that you die?
4. Ages 16–18:
Time to be an adult about this. Tissues and hand cream. No more dry humping my mom’s nice towels and then sneaking a load of laundry while she’s running errands.
5. Ages 19–22:
We’ve never said it, but the only reason my roommate and I post our class schedules on the wall is so we know when it’s safe to masturbate. Wednesdays from 2:30 to 5 are the best part of my week. Because it’s impossible to masturbate to acoustic covers of Dave Matthews.
6. Age 23:
My own apartment = personal jerk-off dungeon. What does the sun look like? The last time I saw it was in some porn where they were having sex outside. No one is here to question my horniness.
7. Ages 24–25:
Oh my god, my new girlfriend is so pretty. Who needs porn? I will just fantasize about how pretty she is and how remarkable it is that she’s into me despite my being a hunched man monster.
8. Age 26:
Nope, still like porn. I guess I’m just into porn. It’s hot, it’s easy, and it’s always available. I hope my girlfriend doesn’t get mad, because it really has nothing to do with how much she turns me on.
9. Age 27:
We broke up. Return to full porn schedule. Oh shit, this porn star looks like my ex. I can’t get hard when I’m sad. Where are the porn stars who are not curvy blondes??!! Guess I’m going to have to get deep into the niche porn sites.
10. Ages 28–30:
I have mastered my masturbation schedule. Got my encrypted folder of the very specific porn I like and my 15 minutes every morning so I’m not horny at work and my good lotion in the secret drawer and I am an adult man who has control of his sexuality. *gets unexpected
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