Despite your gentle discouragement when you saw the ring, passive-aggressive comments when you helped her pick the dress, and general disdain, she is marrying that asshole.
1. The finance guy. You saw it coming — they’ve been together for years, and moved into a shared apartment in a luxury building while you were still living in your ramshackle studio made of Cheez-Its and sorrow. He’s OKish. Pretty much nothing of substance behind the Brooks Brothers outfit. But he makes her happy!
2. The high school sweetheart. The boy your friend has been dating since you were all 16 is like a brother to you — but you think your friend maybe should have had her wild early-20s period just to explore a bit more.
3. The college boyfriend you barely know so wedding speeches and hugging are awkward. Fact: It’s very hard giving a speech about why two people are meant for each other when the most you’ve said to one of the two people is, “This shrimp is good.”
4. The “back-up guy.” He used to be in her phone as “Gross Brian,” but do not speak of this.
5. The disgustingly perfect guy. Ughhh, he’s funny and sweet and smart and smells like wood chips and always asks you how your dog is doing. Nobody has looked this good in a T-shirt. Ever. You’re happy for her but wondering if he has a twin.
6. The mutual friend you once hooked up with. In fact, you hooked up with him first. So you have the pleasure of giving them a set of steak knives while avoiding eye contact with him and thinking, I’ve seen your dick, I’ve seen your dick, I’ve seen your dick.
7. The a__hole you hate. Despite your gentle discouragement when you saw the ring, passive-aggressive comments when you helped her pick the dress, and general disdain, she is marrying that asshole. You’re either going to have to accept and embrace Mrs. Asshole or cut her out of your life. Your call.
8. The rebound guy who you predicted would last approximately three seconds. A Tinder date right on the heels of her messiest long-term relationship’s end, he was some whatever guy — until he wasn’t. Time to add homeboy to your Christmas card list.
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