“I hear the World Bank says Nigeria is now the worst place to do business in the entire world.”
“ I don’t believe it.”
“I also hear that of the 15 fastest growing economies in Africa, Nigeria is no longer on the list.”
“ I say I don’t believe that. And stop hearing bad things.”
“We are not even in the top 10 of the World Top 10 oil producers anymore. Yet, we used to be No. 6.”
“ I still don’t believe that.”
“Inflation is now 13.2%, or well may be 12.8%.”
“Story”
“If you go to the market with N400 to buy pepper, that amount can’t get you enough pepper to fry two eggs.”
“Stop eating eggs. Too much cholesterol is bad for your health.”
“Moody’s has also just downgraded Nigeria in its ratings for end of March 2016.”
“Moody’s?”
“Yes. It is a credit and investment ratings corporation.”
“It is called Moody? What do you expect, then, other than a moody report?”
“Our rating by Standard and Poor’s is also negative.”
“I see. Standard and Poor’s giving a poor rating. So?”
“We are talking serious economics, not word play”
“I hear you”
“Even Fitch says our economy is in the negative.”
“Let them all keep fishing for negative information, I say I don’t believe it”
“And as it is, it looks like Nigerians have adjusted themselves to the reality of paying as much as N200 per litre for fuel?”
“In your village? In our own town, fuel is just N140 per litre.”
“And you think that is okay? At a time the spot price of crude oil is dropping internationally?”
“Stop reading those foreign reports. Stop feeding into the Afro-pessimism narrative.”
“You don’t believe this. You don’t believe that. Everybody is saying a hell-hole has appeared, and you are insisting you don’t believe it.”
“Sorry.”
“The Nigerian Bureau of Statistics has also reported that foreign investments inflow into Nigeria is down by73.79%, the least in 9 years, and total capital importation has fallen by 89.13%. GDP growth is the lowest in 9 years.”
“Hold on, one second… Now listen to me in Minister Kemi Adeosun’s voice: we are implementing a planned economy here, dum-b-hea-d”
“The kind of phone calls I receive these days. All artisans that I know have been calling me to ask if I have a job for them. The electrician called yesterday to ask if my air conditioners were not giving problems. I said No. He said what of the television sets? I said they were all working. He even asked whether Madam has not complained about any appliance in the kitchen.”
“That is a potential burglar, staking out territory.”
“Shortly after he dropped the phone, the mechanic also called to ask if the car was alright. I said yes. He asked if I was not hearing any unusual sound. I said No.”
“Your mechanic is stalking your car. What is that? Call the police.”
“But don’t you understand? There are no jobs in town.”
“Who is saying so?”
“I am, based on the evidence of my eyes and what I have been hearing.”
“And you have not heard that the Federal Government has launched a plan to create 1, 000 jobs per week by getting people to become masquerade dressers?”
“Masquerades?”
“Yes. Those masquerades that need 100 people to dress them; and another 100 to undress them. If every Nigerian community organizes a masquerade festival every week, all this nonsense about people not having jobs will end. It is the most profound official contribution to this unemployment narrative so far.”
“You just like to trivialize things.”
“How, it is simple economics. Imagine the number of tailors that will also be engaged.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“I am. Your electrician and mechanic will be better off joining the masquerade gang of Nigeria.”
“Who is proposing this?”
“ I don’t mention names, please. It is the idea that matters.”
“But come to think of it, I see some sense. We are actually a nation of masquerades. Masquerades in high and low places; masquerades behaving like ancestors when they are actually mere mortals.”
“It is the day motor jam masquerade that you will know he is a human being. Even the whole economy has become a masquerade.”
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